Sometimes i wonder, where do i stand? In the hearts of people around me..
I talked to my half sis on saturday and she told me that my dad just came back from Japan, brought alot of stuffs etc etc...i was like ok! good!then i went to bed i was thinking...Wait a minute...How come my dad went to Japan and i don't even know about it? hmm...fine..whatever...really..
I got so bloody used to knowing everything last...that's if i ever find out.. Am i invisible? Doesn't my existence mean something? I wonder sometimes...really really had a good thought about it...And i realise i'm just a mistake. That's it. Nothing more nothing less.
I'm so envious when i see happy children with happy parents. Parents who really care for their child. I got so envious once when my boyfriend's dad wrote him a letter(considering his parents calls him everyday!) that i cry. Tears just flow out of my eyes. I didn't even intend to cry, i just did. i feel like a fool sometimes when i talked about my 'parents' to my boyfriend. He don't understand. I don't blame him, he's so lucky that he will never understand my 'parents'.
I'm thankful,really. To my boyfriend and Jo. For always being there when i need them. That's all i need.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
very very upset...
what happened to my house that once have a home feel? what have i done? why did i soften my heart?why why why??
Monday, November 06, 2006
Falling Leaves
It's autumn now in Aberdeen. The weather is cold and sulky.. I don't feel like doing anything except staying at home and do nothing..So got myself a book that i loan from han jian ages ago but never had the chance to sit down and read it.
So happened the book is titled 'falling leaves'. Just right for the season and the mood i'm in right now. As usual, i finished the book today.=P i know i'm a too fast of a reader. Right this moment, i feel my life is described in that book. The feeling of unloved, unwanted and a burden to my so-called family.
I never felt real love family. My father and mother divorced when i was really young,i think i was about a year after i was born. I was practically thrown around the family to whom ever willing to nanny me. When my mother won the lawsuit against my father for my custody, i was left a my maternal grandmother's house and my mother flew off to Japan to make her fortune. i miss my grandmother alot, she took care of me and showed me what i needed most. LOVE. But i guess i was a nuisance after a few years, my mother moved me to a permanent nanny's house in Cheras. I went to pre-school there for 3 years.
During that period of time, i had rare visit from my fourth auntie. She was the only one who was willing to drive all the way to Cheras to visit me. I really enjoyed those time where she brings me out to shop and dine. My mother visited me 3 to 4 times in that entire period and she never stayed more than a single day. As for my father, once where he came to bring me home for Chinese New Year and also to meet his new wife.
My mother then moved me to Subang Jaya, a new nanny house. I lived with her for 4 years. She's nice and everything but she's not my mother and obviously favours her sons. There's once one of her son beat me up because i couldn't draw the picture he wanted. Keep in mind he's five years younger than me. When his father came looking for him, he was shocked and just pull his son away from me. Asking if i'm ok and just gave his son a lecture. From that point onwards, i told myself never to let anyone bully me and i never did let anyone. I began to keep to myself and excel in my studies.
Maybe once in 2 years, i would take the plane by myself and goes back to my father's house. And every single time i felt left out and i really hated being there. The only consolation was my cousins was superb towards me and my aunts and uncles always invite me to their home. My stepmother sometimes even complain that i spend too much time at my relative's house and i should stay at home and do the houseworks. She often complains to my father that airfare is too expensive and he should not bring me home too much. Even if my grandfather and grandmother wanted to see me, i should just that the bus.(i wasn't even 12 that time) I was never invited to her side of family and she was deferred me away as if i'm not my father's daughter.
I stayed with my mother for the rest of my secondary school years. I wasn't happy at home. My mother is particularly demanding and often tell me that since she is making the money to support our family, she become the father figure and i have to become the mother by taking responsible of cooking meal and cleaning up the house. I even have the responsiblity of making sure all the bills are paid. Plus i had to juggled housework with schoolwork. Interesting? oh yea..
And as for my college life, i don't even want to write about it. Just whole lot of mess! Things only started to clear up on my last year of my college.I got in to university and with partial scholarship. Though things might seems smooth but i conned my way through. I had contract to fulfill. Life is so unfair isn't it??
DISAPOINTED WITH WHAT HAPPENED TODAY.END OF STORY.
So happened the book is titled 'falling leaves'. Just right for the season and the mood i'm in right now. As usual, i finished the book today.=P i know i'm a too fast of a reader. Right this moment, i feel my life is described in that book. The feeling of unloved, unwanted and a burden to my so-called family.
I never felt real love family. My father and mother divorced when i was really young,i think i was about a year after i was born. I was practically thrown around the family to whom ever willing to nanny me. When my mother won the lawsuit against my father for my custody, i was left a my maternal grandmother's house and my mother flew off to Japan to make her fortune. i miss my grandmother alot, she took care of me and showed me what i needed most. LOVE. But i guess i was a nuisance after a few years, my mother moved me to a permanent nanny's house in Cheras. I went to pre-school there for 3 years.
During that period of time, i had rare visit from my fourth auntie. She was the only one who was willing to drive all the way to Cheras to visit me. I really enjoyed those time where she brings me out to shop and dine. My mother visited me 3 to 4 times in that entire period and she never stayed more than a single day. As for my father, once where he came to bring me home for Chinese New Year and also to meet his new wife.
My mother then moved me to Subang Jaya, a new nanny house. I lived with her for 4 years. She's nice and everything but she's not my mother and obviously favours her sons. There's once one of her son beat me up because i couldn't draw the picture he wanted. Keep in mind he's five years younger than me. When his father came looking for him, he was shocked and just pull his son away from me. Asking if i'm ok and just gave his son a lecture. From that point onwards, i told myself never to let anyone bully me and i never did let anyone. I began to keep to myself and excel in my studies.
Maybe once in 2 years, i would take the plane by myself and goes back to my father's house. And every single time i felt left out and i really hated being there. The only consolation was my cousins was superb towards me and my aunts and uncles always invite me to their home. My stepmother sometimes even complain that i spend too much time at my relative's house and i should stay at home and do the houseworks. She often complains to my father that airfare is too expensive and he should not bring me home too much. Even if my grandfather and grandmother wanted to see me, i should just that the bus.(i wasn't even 12 that time) I was never invited to her side of family and she was deferred me away as if i'm not my father's daughter.
I stayed with my mother for the rest of my secondary school years. I wasn't happy at home. My mother is particularly demanding and often tell me that since she is making the money to support our family, she become the father figure and i have to become the mother by taking responsible of cooking meal and cleaning up the house. I even have the responsiblity of making sure all the bills are paid. Plus i had to juggled housework with schoolwork. Interesting? oh yea..
And as for my college life, i don't even want to write about it. Just whole lot of mess! Things only started to clear up on my last year of my college.I got in to university and with partial scholarship. Though things might seems smooth but i conned my way through. I had contract to fulfill. Life is so unfair isn't it??
DISAPOINTED WITH WHAT HAPPENED TODAY.END OF STORY.
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