do i have a heart?

I haven't been blogging as often as i should. Mainly because i don't have anything great to blog about.Ok not even petty stuff to blog about.

I realised lately that i don't have a heart anymore. No longer have passion for things i do nor wanting to do something. I'm used to a busy life and now all the sudden i have nothing to do except go to work on the weekend or clean up the house. this life is getting to my nerves. How could a person like me to be confined in my flat and doing endless chores? It seems the house gets messy once i turn my back on it. I'm not a very particular person when it comes to cleaniness but somehow there's a limit and my flat always seems dirty!

Working doesn't have any appeal to me anymore, i don't earn enough to support myself. I have looking for another job. It feels like i'm growing old before i should. Worring about bills and grocery. I hate feeling like a housewife though i'm not marry! Not especially now when i'm in my golden age of 21. Somehow 21 doesn't golden to me at all. It has been a horrible year. And it's only halfway through.

Had my heart broken too many times that now i feel i'm immune to it. I'll be upset for a few days then my life is back to normal again. When my heart was first broken it took me 2 years to get back on track. I'm starting to be merciless and don't really gave a fuck to anything. More like a unreasonable stubborn bitch! Things have to be done my way because somehow i feel i know more than others of my age. And it is a fact i been through alot compare to my circle of friends. They don't what pain and horrible experience i been through. Even if they know how would they understand? Most of them have a easy life, perfect family.

What do they know about my messy family trees? What do they know how hard have i work to get to where i am now? They wouldn't understand how i con my ways to get educations. Or how many times i was at the verge of death? (if u are thinking i had thoughts of killing myself u are dead wrong!!!)

Partically no one understand me, well not totally. And u know why? Because i don't let them. Even if i did, i doubt there's anyone will understand. Ok maybe 1 or 2 person might. But i can't let them, through all these hard years i learn not to trust anyone fully. I trust my friends but not totally. I rather rely on myself than others. Everyone has their own problems. So over the years, my heart seems to harden and lately dissapear....