SORRY SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD

I got a very surprising email yesterday for a friend. Is the FIRST explanation I got from her about what happened between us.
This is what she wrote in the email~~(name are remove)

Dear Jing Sze,(that’s me if u dunno)

I've read your blog, and there are a few things that I really need to say. I don't even remember whether I've actually mentioned some of these things before, but I think i should for once and all, explain myself and leave it up to you believe what you choose to believe.
From the moment we became best friends, I've always really, really loved you. I've loved every single time we spent together, I loved it that you were such a loving and caring friend. You were the nicest person that I had ever met; so sweet, so sincere. A friend indeed, and even my family loved you for who you were. I'm sure that through the years, you must have felt even the slightest bit the same toward me, otherwise you wouldn't have been my best friend. I can't believe that all those years and memories, will be thrown away just like that in one moment!
All along, ever since the beginning, I've known that you didn't like ****, and **** didn't like you very much. It was a disaster waiting to happen, I felt, because any small thing could spark a huge fight with the both of you so wary of eachother. Anyway, when it comes to the past, we will never know the truth; when incidents happen, one party will say one thing, the other will say another; for me, I choose to not side any side and I really hope you feel the same. I mean this in the sense, that you mentioned Siew Yoong dumped **** because he kept dissing Bhavisha; he told me he dumped her because he was fed up of the fighting. I say, whatever. That was in the past, it has no significance at this time. People grow up over the times, and people mature. You know for a fact that guys mature slower than girls. There was one incident I thought was stupidly ridiculous, even you would laugh; when we were playing Neopets and you gave **** a poisonous lollipop, he said that you wanted to kill him...LOL. Okok, anyway, my point is this; I think you know, **** HATES it when someone talks bad about him. Things are like that until now.
Let me explain my part of the Kevin incident, then you decide whether I'm the devil that you think I am, purposely betraying people like it's so fun like that. Kevin was a really close friend, and he just came in and talked to me about **** at the wrong time; exactly during the time when **** and I were having an argument on the phone. I didn't know **** was so sensitive at that time, I don't even remember what Kevin said. But I used it against **** like, "Why are you so bla bla bla bla?" and I said this after I told him I got off the phone with Kevin. Surprisingly, he didn't get that pissed. The next day at school, as usual I waited for him to find me during break, but he didn't so I stayed in class with Daarsh, then only awhile later we went down to find him, but I couldn't find him at all. When **** came to find me and said something like he slapped Kevin or something, I argued back, asking why he did it, what was he thinking. And he got really pissed at me, and asked why I was defending Kevin and all that. But too late; the damage had already been done. Do you think I like what happened to Kevin? Until now I still think about it, but you can't blame me for something that wasn't my fault. I knew there was no way I could patch things up with Kevin and it really hurt that at that time, I lost a good friend. You have NO idea how I felt, so it's not as simple as "oh I betrayed him, end of story". It hurt me so badly to see him look at me with such hate after that, and it was worse after **** told me he beat him up. I never asked for any of that!
And then it came to you; you say that I betrayed you to get **** back, you KNOW it's not true. I was so hurt when you said that. **** and I had gotten back together for quite some time already, when he decided to follow me to cheerleading once because he had nothing better to do. Then he got really pissed when I fell and he claimed Justin grabbed my ass. That's his temper. Anyway, you and I know for a fact that I would have just fallen if he didn't catch me, I told this to him MANY, MANY times but he doesn't listen. But that's how he is. Anyway, because of that incident, I quit cheerleading and told you on MSN, and being the person you are, you felt it was ridiculous because I loved cheerleading, how could I quit because of him? And then you said he was immature, and that if you had a bf like that, you would dump him straight away. I made a mistake, I'm sorry. But I was so fucked up from arguing with **** online as well, I told him that he was being immature about it, and that you would dump your bf if he was like that. This was our FIRST argument after getting back together, and he blew up at being called immature, and thought you were asking ME to dump HIM so then out of his anger he took things out on you. I know now, I should have said something to defend you. I always had before if he had the slightest bit problem with you. But at THAT time, I didn't know what to say. It was getting bad; there are times when you just really don't know what to say. And even if I said something, I feel things would have gotten worse, with him blowing up more, and with you blowing up at him more. I knew you would be mad, I thought we'd take a few days to let you cool down before I explained myself. But the day when you would cool down, obviously never came.
The thing is, I do love cheerleading. But I loved it MORE when we had a purpose; working toward a competition, that it didn't seem so important anymore when I quit. And through the years, I'm sure you know that we have very different personalities; but then again, opposites attract. You are more confrontational, I'm a whole lot more passive. And I know you're pissed that I can't speak up when the time comes, but that's something that's been part of me all my life, until now. And even **** knows that he was really immature in his college days, he keeps telling me now that he can't believe he was the way that he was. You can't change people and who they are; like his bad temper. But I don't want something as small as this getting in the way of our friendship. I know you feel very strongly about this, and you're probably still hating me, still wishing that I'd just go back to Hell like the devil I am, but the fact is I still cherish our friendship enough to write an e-mail to you. You were my best friend; and it was for more than 2 years, it was for 3 and a half. Honestly, do you want everything to just slip away just like that, like a bad memory?
I hate to say this, but if Kevin never forgives me, I'm fine with it. But you were my best friend! My BESTEST friend. And I can't believe that with just one incident, you're willing to let all that go. Well I'm not willing to. I'm sorry for what happened, I truly am. I can't turn back time, and I'm only human. I make mistakes, so does everyone else. But please don't think that I wanted this AT ALL. Betray is such a harsh word; I never did such a thing. Your post really hurt me alot; I cried all night wondering how I wanted to explain things to you, and secretly I feared that you wouldn't listen. But if you didn't write that post, I wouldn'thave written this mail; maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I still love you lots; I don't want our friendship to go just like that. And I know that it just takes a small incident for you to lose your trust in someone, but bear in mind that it was something I didn't want to happen. I really hope things will get better between us; you're worth it. Please reply.

Love,
***

Well, I read and I UNDERSTAND but doesn’t mean I agree to your actions. I admit I got some of my facts wrong in my previous post. But that was just a conclusion of the incident. I didn’t remember the incident in detail to write in detail. And I’m confused so I had a talk with my close friend Jo. And never once in our conversation I bitching or said I hate u. I’m only PISS!!

j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i'm having a prob
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wassup
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keep gng
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
have u read my blog?
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
just read the most recent 1
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
then go to ur mail box and read the email my fren sent
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hmmmm....
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can send me a picture of this ****
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ sends:



Transfer of "Image(19).jpg" is complete.

j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
y u need his picture for?
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jst need to see y it is u don like him...hehe
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jst finish reading the email...man that's long
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i know
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so u want a crit
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i wan some opinion
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
1 is my brother
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
1 is used to be my best friend
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i dunno who to trust
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huh....best fren = ***....brother...which one?!?
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
kevin
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oh...
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wat is kevin side of story
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
be4 he told me the reason he got beat up
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
the word betray didn't appear in my mind
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keep gng
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
but i was just really piss she didn't stand on my side
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understandable
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
when i tell ppl about it i stuck at the word betray
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
ppl would say the word but i never thought is was it
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
just !!!!!
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y did kevin go to see *** at the time?
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
becoz she was upset
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
from arguing with that gwee
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so he was trying to comfort her?
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
yea
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
and he's not interested in her
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i figured that part
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
he was after another girl
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ok....honestly...from wat i can gather, cos this is a very long time process
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
my brother is a really sweet guy
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betray doesn't occur in my mind also, to me this whole situation looks like a matter of miscommunication and clash of character
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
the most she could have done was ask her bf to apologize or she do it but she never did
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i can see y u got mad at her, if it were me i'd be pretty pissy to...
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i'm really piss at that
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yeah...i don't blame u, she's really very 'passive'
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i'm also piss at my bro for not telling me that
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i would have kick that guy ass back
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
u didn't see how my bro look that
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...i'll join u
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really beaten up?
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
seriously i was heart broken
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
yea!!!!
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
and he never hit that gwee back
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sigh...u're being pulled this wayn that
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
he said no point
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i said at least defend ursself
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in this case, he's being a dunderhead
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
comon my bro is a black belt holder man!!!!
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can never say no point if ppl this angry
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...k k k k
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
wat's dunderhead?
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idiot
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sed in a typical jo lingo
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
hhaaha
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
that's was i said
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
but he being a sweet and peaceful guy
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
haih
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...its the sweet ones that u need to fear their anger
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
haha..i know i seen
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seriously la girl, both sides are right AND wrong
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
but seriously within reasons
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
so???
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
how????
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cynthia was a 'dunderhead' for not sticking up to her friends, her priorities are off, and she lets her bf walk over her blaming it on his temper, bt don't forget, this is her character, she didn't really do anything wrong
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kevin, he's right in his indignation, bt he doesn't need to get into a fight
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...honestly, ur position, wat do u think u shud do
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
he didn't fight
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
that **** beat him up
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oOo...
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...that clears up alot
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ok ok...then in this case...**** is the dunderhead
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
and my bro didn't hit him back
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he's an immature snit who needs to get a handle on his temper, and learn to use his temper more productively
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haih...like that ah, then ur bro is blameless, ur fren cynthia needs to learn to control her bf
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
yea
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i know that
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
but wat should i do now?
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i wan a happy ending
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
how can this situation be happy ending?
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ah...
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the key is ***
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get her to realise her mistakes, understand her weaknes, and grow into a confident young lady...hehe
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
yea right
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
that will never happened, she love him too much to go against him
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...u sed u want happy ending
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sigh...u alr kno the answer, so wats the problem
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i wan that gwee to apologize to me and my bro
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
if he can do that i apologize for calling him immature
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....two bulls fighting with VERY sharp horns
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
huh?
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...u are bull no1...**** is bull no 2
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stubborn like crazy...
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i fight for my rights
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i dun let ppl bully me
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
and get away with it
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...U GO GIRL!!!!!!!
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...bt seriously, some fights can't be done with stubborness
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need some form of compromise
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i compromising
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i'm apologizing for something i said that is not wrong
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
brb
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i going for lunch
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...AFTER he apologize
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that's not really a compromise, more like an ultimatum...
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ok
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enjoy
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
wat;s ultimatum?
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shoot
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like u say u'll only do something if the other person first does something
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
obviously no point for me to apologize to a dunderhead
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
when he haven't realise his mistake
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...talk to him one on one with nobody nearby
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
har?? but he's in msia
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
fat chance


After this conversation with Jo, I wanted to reply to *** explaining to her I love her a lot too and she was a good friend who just made a mistake. I’m willing to forgive him if he willing to apologize. But I had to go out and by the time I got back, I receive MSN msg from *** saying I’m avoiding her. Worried she might misunderstand, I email her explaining that I wasn't in to reply when she msg and I’m not avoiding her. If I’m avoiding her I could have just block her from msg me or couldn’t even bother to reply.

Later I visit her blog, the most recent post was bout me…

You know what are 2 of the fakest words you'll ever hear?
I understand.
No, you'll NEVER understand. Whoever tells you that is a big, fat LIAR! No two people are ever alike. No two personalities are ever the same. And if you weren't there when it happened, even more reason to stop assuming that what YOU presume is a fact. If you are not me, if you don't know what went on, if you don't know what was going through my head, then DON'T assume and don't think you can understand me. You'll never know EXACTLY how things were!

WHEN I SAID I UNDERSTAND I MEANT I UNDERSTAND, IF U THINK I’M LYING SO BE IT. YOU ARE ENTITLED TO THINK WHAT U LIKE.

But I'm tired...honestly. I'm sorry you feel that way, you may hate me as I'm sure you do. You may think, "Oh, since someone else feels that way, she MUST be this terrible, fucked up person." So you've got a heart made of tougher material than mine. I don't want to explain myself to you because I've found that all attempts of doing so are futile. I don't even think I want to bother.

I WONDER HOW COULD UR ATTEMPT TO EXPLAIN TO BE FUTILE WHEN THIS IS THE FIRST TIME U EXPLAINED TO ME WHAT HAPPENED? IF IS FULITE, I WOULDN’T EVEN BE BOTHER READING IT!!

WHEN have I said anything about you here? You may think it's because you've done nothing to me except be a friend, and I'm sure you have. Why do you want to throw EVERYTHING away on something, that looking back now, seems so trivial? Everyone has their quirks I'm sure you of all people should know that. I respected your decisions in life, why did you never see things my way?

OHHH, U HAD MAYBE U DON’T REMEMBER?? I READ ONCE ABOUT HOW U FALL OUT WITH A FRIEND. AFTER READING THAT VERY POST, THE FIRST THING I DID WAS TO TALK TO U,ASKING WHEN DID WE FALL OUT. I TRY TO PATCH THINGS UP! I NEVER DID THROW EVERYTHING AWAY. EVER SINCE THE INCIDENT HAPPENED, I NEVER CLOSE MY DOOR TO U. I BEEN HELDING THE DOOR, WAITING FOR U TO COME IN AND APOLOGISE FOR THAT MISTAKE. IF I WAS WILLING TO THROW THE FRIENDSHIP AWAY, I WOULDN’T BE BOTHER TO TALK TO U AFTER READING UR BLOG POST, I WOULDN’T INVITING U TO MY FAREWELL PARTY,MIND U I ALREADY KNOW BOUT KEVIN THAT TIME BUT I DIDN’T SHOVED U ASIDE AND PRETENDED U NEVER EXIST. 2 YEARS SINCE THAT INCIDENT HAPPENED, I NEVER HEARD AN EXPLANATION FROM U UNTIL I WROTE ABOUT IT IN MY PREVIOUS POST,U BEEN KEEPING QUIET BOUT THE INCIDENT I HAD NEVER ASK FOR AN EXPLANATION BECAUSE I THOUGHT U WILL EXPLAIN AND APOLOGISE. HOW COULD I SEE THING YOUR WAY WHEN U DON’T LET ME???

Well, I'm glad you've found a partner to have a good bitch out of me. In time, things would probably have gotten better, but you wouldn't have given it a chance to heal itself.
I read your blog.

I NEVER BITCHING BOUT U NOR I EVER SAID I HATE U. I’M JUST PISS IT THAT IT TOOK U SO LONG TO EXPLAIN. I GAVE U A LOT OF CHANCE, I NEVER SHUT U OUT OF MY LIFE, IS U WHO NEVER GRAB THE CHANCE. I KNOW U ARE A PASSIVE PERSON AND I’M CONFRONTATIONAL BUT I’M TIRED OF BEING THE PERSON TO CALL U UP AND TRYING TO KEEP THE FRIENDSHIP ALIVE. IS YOUR TURN NOW!

The world is a cruel,cruel place

THE WORLD IS NOT THAT CRUEL IF U DON’T SHUT YOURSELF AWAY AND BLAME IT ON OTHERS FOR BEING CRUEL.

After reading her blog, I was confused and upset so I talk to Ken about it.
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
hey
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i got a prob
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
u read my lastest blog entry rite?
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
about the best friend that betray me
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
she send me an email
ken~reality hurts says:
yeah.
ken~reality hurts says:
and?
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i sent that email to u d
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
read it and tell me wat u think
ken~reality hurts says:
alright. will read it now.
ken~reality hurts says:
can i ask u something?
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
yea?
ken~reality hurts says:
she read ur blog then she sent the mail to u?
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
yea
ken~reality hurts says:
i wanted to ask u why u trust me so much? if so why my name is not on the trusted list ar?
ken~reality hurts says:
hahaha
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
hmmm
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i never thought of it
ken~reality hurts says:
im just joking only. no need to be serious.
ken~reality hurts says:
never thought of what?
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
nth
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
and read her blog
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:

j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i read dunno what to say
ken~reality hurts says:
alright. give me a few minutes
ken~reality hurts says:
i finished reading the mail u fowarded.
ken~reality hurts says:
u replied ur fren ady?
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
not yet
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i wanted
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
but after reading her blog
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
kinda piss now
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
she post that up after she msg me online but i wasn't in to reply
ken~reality hurts says:
hmm... why is she telling another story in her blog?
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i dunno
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
that's why i'm confused now
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ sends:


j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
read that
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i actually talk to my other fren bout it
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i really wanted to forgive her but her blog post serious making doubting my decision

Transfer of "me and jo conversation.doc" is complete.

ken~reality hurts says:
she said something like u found a parner to bitch about her. is it this conversation?
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
i didn't bitch bout her
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
she haven't read this conversation also
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
maybe she thinks i'm bitching bout her on my blog
ken~reality hurts says:
and why is she saying so?
ken~reality hurts says:
oh...
ken~reality hurts says:
and who's kevin?
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
my petbro
j3sSyi got cheated~~~ says:
he's mentioned in my blog
j3sSyconfused~~~ says:
i'm going out
j3sSyconfused~~~ says:
ttyl
ken~reality hurts says:
sorry... i kind of forgot about it. cant remember so much.
j3sSyconfused~~~ says:
just leave ur opinion here
j3sSyconfused~~~ says:
i read it later
ken~reality hurts says:
alright... ur main point of arguing with her was because of kevin and ****
j3sSyconfused~~~ says:
no
j3sSyconfused~~~ says:
read the email properly
ken~reality hurts says:
ok
j3sSyconfused~~~ says:
gtg
ken~reality hurts says:
i'll leave my comment here, anything, u just mail me back.
j3sSyconfused~~~ says:
ok
ken~reality hurts says:
alright, i read ur conversation with ur fren jo. I agree with her. the major problem is with that **** guy. ( seriously i think he looks like a dumb ass, saw his pic ). i dont really know why u would want him to apologise to u. since u said that ur petbro is a black belt holder, why wouldn't he defend himself? im a black belt holder too... and frankly, i would never let ppl hit me for no reasons.
ken~reality hurts says:
so maybe u should ask ur pet bro about this. giving excuses like i dont wanna start a fight is pretty riddiculuous for me.
ken~reality hurts says:
well, i got a phrase that might help u make up ur mind. Friends come and go dear, they are like stations in our life. If u like that station, u can stay longer, but if u dont like it, u should just move on. remember that always. u should now think back how much does ur friendship with her worth.
ken~reality hurts says:
u can't really blame her about her bf thingy. Like what jo said, she should learn how to control her bf but not let him become a jack ass in front of others.
ken~reality hurts says:
i wont tell u whether u should accept her as a fren or not. u have to make the decision urself. just think about the phrase i said earlier on. friends come and go in our life. if only they are really worth, then u should do something. if not, just let it flow on.
ken~reality hurts says:
anything just mail me k? i need to get some sleep ady. hope what i said can help u in making the decision. take care. i miss talking to u.

I haven’t reply Ken on what he said, so I wanted **** to apologise to me because I don’t close my heart to forgive. An asshole he might be but, if he’s willing to apologize and change his temper, I’m willing to forgive. I really like this station that why I’m bothered to do something and stay even the station’s manager and I had a fight. The day of forgiveness and forget the incident will never come unless u do something bout it. U can’t expect me to forgive and forget when I didn’t know what really happened and was left to assumed what happened on my own for 2 freaking years!
As for my petbro case, I leave it for now as is between him and ****. That’s all I have to say.Is up to u to believe or close down our friendship.